The In Between

 They don’t really prepare you for this part—the in between.

The space where everything feels like it’s happening all at once, but also like nothing is happening at all. Where you're supposed to be excited, proud, and hopeful—but all you feel is confused, overwhelmed, and numb. This past month, I’ve been sitting in the middle of it all. And honestly, it’s been hard to breathe here.

A few weeks ago, I lost my grandmother. She wasn’t just my grandma—she was one of the most important women in my life. The kind of person who made you feel seen, safe, and understood in a world that often doesn’t offer that kind of comfort. Her absence is loud. It's in everything I do, every thought I have, every quiet moment. Grief is strange like that—it shows up when you least expect it, and it lingers in ways you can’t prepare for.

And at the same time, graduation is knocking on my door.

I should feel accomplished. I should feel excited. I should feel ready.

But instead, I feel like I’m barely holding it together. I’m exhausted, stressed, and honestly… scared. It’s hard to celebrate something when you’re also mourning so much—mourning someone, mourning a version of yourself, mourning the simplicity of a life you no longer get to live.

Then there’s the pressure of what comes next. I can’t stop thinking about student loans and how expensive it is to chase a dream. Why is furthering your education so outrageously expensive? Why is my yearly tuition more than what I’ll likely make in a year after graduating? It feels unfair—like I signed up for a race no one told me was rigged.

This in between space? It’s exhausting. I’m not fully who I was, but I don’t know who I’m becoming either. I’m not a kid anymore, but I don’t feel like a full adult. Everyone keeps asking, “So what’s next?”—as if I’m supposed to know. As if there’s a clear path forward when really, I’m still trying to figure out where I even stand right now.

But maybe the in between is where the real becoming happens.

Maybe this messy, uncomfortable, not-quite-anything space is where God is working the most—even if I can’t feel it yet. I’m trying to trust that. I’m trying to believe there’s purpose in the pause. I’m trying to remind myself that even here, even now, I am held.

So if you’re in the in between too—grieving, doubting, struggling to show up—know that you’re not alone. I see you. I am you. And I believe that even here, something beautiful is growing.

We just haven’t seen it bloom yet.